But me? I dig it. Hard.
I mean, clearly.
But for serious, next time someone tries to tell you they’re “like, cutting out carbs” first ask yourself, Is this person a dietitian? Do they understand what a carbohydrate is, how it functions as a macronutrient, and why we actually need them in order to continue survival as human beings?
If the answer is no, I’d ask of you, dear reader, to please raise a (perfectly plucked, penciled, and groomed) eyebrow and consider this: that we need carbohydrates (in a variety of forms) to perform basically all essential functions of living, including but not limited to- breathing, eating, sleeping, walking, talking, and snitching out shitty restaurants on Yelp.
Plus, if you don’t eat carbs, your body goes into ketosis, which is every bit as scary as it sounds. And DON’T let dieters trick you into thinking it’s a magical weight loss solution because even though your body might be completely starved and drink all its fat cells in the second, and I mean second, your lips taste (and I would argue, smell) anything containing starch (which it will, eventually)…your body will soak up every calorie from said food and you’ll be right back to where you began. T R U S T.
Just look at this sweet, sweet loaf, dudes.
See, there’s an actual reason bread has been bestowed the title “staff of life” and not Swiss chard, guys. Bread is the ultimate carb, which, by the waaaaaay, gives us energy as it breaks down into smaller molecules and fuels our muscles so that when used, they don’t go all cannibal and eat themselves. Complex, whole grain carbs (like this bread) also give us vital nutrients like B vitamins, zinc, and manganese. Plus, they deliver my favorite F word-
FIBER. Geez guys, IDK where your mind be at.
This loaf, in particular, provides a ton of the good shtuff I just mentioned. It’s the most incredible loaf of bread I’ve ever made. PLUS, absolutely zero “baking guesswork”- the yeast works by itself. The crust is perfectly golden and crispy, and the inside is tender, chewy, and moist. The salty olives and zesty rosemary go better together than Forrest and Jenny Gump. UGH. I just salivate thinking about it! And even though you might have been bing watching Golden Girls while it bakes, it tastes just like you spent 89 hours kneading it- no joke.
Whole Grain Kalamata Rosemary Bread
Makes: 1 loaf
- 6 cups whole wheat flour (can also use all-purpose flour or half of each)
- 1/2 teaspoon dry active yeast (find this in the baking aisle of your grocery store)
- 2 1/2 teaspoons sea salt
- 2 1/2 cups cool water, plus more if needed
- 1/3 cup kalamata olives, sliced
- 2-3 tablespoons fresh rosemary, minced
- In a large mixing bowl, mix together flour, yeast, and salt. Slowly mix in water, until all ingredients are incorporated and a sticky dough forms. If the dough looks dry, add additional water 1 tablespoon at a time until sticky. Cover bowl with plastic wrap and set out on the counter, away from any draft, for 12-18 hours. I usually let it hang out overnight.
- When you check the dough, it will have risen a bit and you’ll know it’s done when tiny bubbles are dotted on the surface (see photo of dough in bowl above, but please avoid staring at my feet in the photo- apologies). Remove plastic wrap and transfer to a floured surface and work in the olives and rosemary until they’re incorporated. Then, using floured fingers, try to tuck the dough underneath itself to form a very rough ball.
- Place a long sheet of parchment paper on top of a clean kitchen dish towel and lightly sprinkle the paper with flour (this will help prevent the dough from sticking later on as it rises). Place the dough ball on the floured parchment paper seam-side down and dust with more flour. Grab the corners of the parchment paper and the towel together and gently wrap it around the dough ball to envelope it completely. Let rise for about 2 hours; until doubled in size.
- After about 1 1/2 hours, preheat your oven to 425 F. Place a 6-8 quart heavy covered pot, such as a dutch oven, inside for 30 minutes as it heats. Once dough has risen fully, carefully remove pot from oven.
- Carefully peel off the parchment paper and dish towel from the dough (trying hard to separate them as cleanly as possible) and place puffy dough ball in pot, seam-side up. Give the pot a shake once or twice so bread dough is distributed as evenly as possible. Donut worry; it will straighten out as it bakes. Take a very sharp knife and make a few vertical or horizontal slices into the top of the dough (this gives your bread that “pro” look)!
- Cover and bake 40 minutes. Then, uncover and bake another 10-15 minutes (check after 10) until crust is a deep chestnut brown color. Remove bread from pot and let cool completely before slicing.